OT: Dad Joke Thread....

[Montana Tom]

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He’s at the hospital waiting to be seen.

I wondered why the baseball was getting closer and closer. Then it hit me.

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? Swimming trunks.

What did one eye say to the other? “Between us, something smells.”

[Zanary]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. 
A man leans in and asks, "do you mind of I say a word?".

"No, go right ahead" she replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the widow said. "That means a lot".

[JimmyinSD]

Horse walks into a bar
Bartender looks at him and says "why the long face?"

[StickierBuns]

Dad: 'So what do you find cuter: a Panda Baby or a Matter Baby?'

Wife: 'What's a Matter Baby?'

Dad: 'Nothing sweetie, what's a matter with you?'

[JimmyinSD]

Did you know that before the crowbar was invented, crows simply drank at home.

[Zanary]

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you, and think about how lucky you are?

I did, and now I can't fly on that airline, anymore.

---

"My friends, I have a question: at your funeral, what would you want people to say as they looked at coffin?"

Friend 1: "That I was a good father, and a good friend".

Friend 2: "That I left some of this world better than I found it".

Friend 3: "LOOK, HE'S MOVING!".

[Montana Tom]

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

[StickierBuns]

(Grandma at her yearly doctor's checkup)

Doctor: How often are your bowel movements?

Grandma: Doctor, I take a shit every day at 6:00 am.

Doctor: That's great, very regular.

Grandma: Not really, I don't wake up until 7:00 am

[purplefaithful]

Can you still trust your farts???