Why your team sucks Vikings addition. I guess, trigger warning for some of you....

You
know what? Nope. That’s also inadequate. If I really wanted to show you
how miserable the Vikings were in 2021, I would drive to your house,
douse myself in gasoline, and then ride your stovetop like it was a
mechanical bull.
I wouldn’t wish the 2021 Vikings on anyone,
except for people I don’t care for. No one on this team got vaccinated,
so much so that Chad Graff of The Athletic reported that younger Vikings were afraid
to get vaccinated, lest they incur the ire of the unvaccinated Pro
Bowlers on the roster. One of the few Vikings players who did get vaxxed
on the team ended up hospitalized with COVID-19, thanks to his
freedom-loving teammates. They lost their best defensive player for the
season, for a second straight season. They blew a game against the
eventual AFC champion Bengals when their (unvaccinated) running back
fumbled in overtime. They blew a game to Arizona the following week when
their kicker—stop me if you’ve heard this one before—missed a potential
game-winning field goal at the gun. They lost a Sunday Night game, also
at the gun, to the immortal Cooper Rush. They blew a two-touchdown lead
in the second half to Baltimore. They gifted Detroit its first win of
the season when their secondary gave Amon-Ra St. Brown a six-yard
cushion in their own end zone. Again, at the gun. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
GUYS DOING OUT THERE? SWAPPING RECIPES?
I felt nothing watching that just now. The Vikings had to salvage an OT win against Carolina after letting Sam Darnold drive his team 96 yards down the field in the final two minutes of regulation. Their coach tried to call two timeouts in a row
because he forgot he had called the first one. They replaced their old
offensive coordinator with his son, who ran the ball on every
second-and-long like his old man would thrash him with a belt if he
didn’t. That same running back who blew the Cincinnati game was accused of beating his ex-girlfriend
with a broomstick, and the Vikings are still pretending that it never
happened. He also had a yards-after-the-catch average of, oh, let’s say
-8.2. They never scored after a turnover. Their interior pass blocking
was, as it is every year, ghastly. They had a top-10 offense but also
were top five in three-and-outs. Their second-best pass rusher suffered
his second season-ending mental health breakdown while playing for them.
Somehow
I’ve gotten this far without mentioning the (still unvaccinated)
quarterback, so let’s drag that horse out of its grave for a bit:
That
same QB finally came down with COVID-19 on the eve of a Sunday Night
game in Lambeau that the Vikings needed to keep their playoff hopes
alive. They went on to lose that game by four touchdowns. I swear to you
that Cris Collinsworth uttered the words, “Let Sean Mannion cook!”
during it. My dreams have never been the same since that evening.
Gratefully,
all of that horseshit served as motivation for Vikings ownership to
finally clean house at the end of the season. Gone are head coach Mike Zimmer (whose players do not miss him) and general manager Rick Spielman, both of whom have spent their ensuing free time working feverishly to ensure that no other NFL team will ever hire them. Fucking finally, my team was getting a fresh start.
But there was a catch. With this team, there’s always a catch.
Your coach: Jim Harb… NOPE.
If
you don’t think the name “Kirk Cousins” was invoked at 3:00 p.m. that
day, you must live in Holland or something. After firing Zimmer and
Spielman, team owners Zygi and Mark Wilf got outbid by the McCaskeys
(how) for Chiefs personnel executive Ryan Poles, and then hired
Cleveland numbers guy Kwesi Adofo-Mensah instead. Adofo-Mensah comes
from a finance background; I know this because he casually namedrops
Goldman Sachs in every presser like he’s got a fucking endorsement deal
with them. Adofo-Mensah wanted Harbaugh as his head coach, and the deal
was reported as all but done. But when that fateful 3:00 p.m. hour
struck, the air cooled down to zero degrees Kelvin, the Vikings decided,
Actually, we never wanted this man, Harbaugh skulked back to Michigan to adopt all of that state’s unaborted children, and I got this guy dropped into my lap at the end of the night, like a surprise visit from the fucking IRS:
That’s
former Rams offensive coordinator Kevin O’Connell. In hindsight, it’s
for the best that the Vikings passed on hiring Harbaugh and plucked a
leaf off of the Sean McVay coaching tree. But listening to Kevin
O’Connell speak is like listening to a Radio Row interview at the Super
Bowl that lasts all year. I already miss Zimmer getting up on the podium
and telling reporters, Kellen Mond is dogshit and I don’t even know why we drafted him.
The new offensive coordinator is not only also the son of a former
coach, but the grandson of one as well. Two wrongs equal one right!
Regardless,
once the Vikings got themselves a new young GM and a new young head
coach, fans like me became all horny at the prospect of Adofo-Mensah and
O’Connell overhauling this aging roster and putting their own stamp on
it. Maybe they’d trade for Russell Wilson! Maybe they’d draft a new QB!
Maybe they’d do literally anything but what they ended up doing, which
was …