Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Why your team sucks Vikings addition. I guess, trigger warning for some of you....
#1
https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks...a-vikings/
Some people are fans of the Minnesota Vikings. But many, many
more people are NOT fans of the Minnesota Vikings. This 2022 Defector
NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews
so far 
here.
Your team: Fuck me sideways.
Your 2021 record:
8-9, which doesn’t even begin to tell the story of how unpleasant this
team was to watch a year ago. Perhaps this would be more illustrative:
You
know what? Nope. That’s also inadequate. If I really wanted to show you
how miserable the Vikings were in 2021, I would drive to your house,
douse myself in gasoline, and then ride your stovetop like it was a
mechanical bull.
I wouldn’t wish the 2021 Vikings on anyone,
except for people I don’t care for. No one on this team got vaccinated,
so much so that Chad Graff of The Athletic reported that younger Vikings were afraid
to get vaccinated, lest they incur the ire of the unvaccinated Pro
Bowlers on the roster. One of the few Vikings players who did get vaxxed
on the team ended up hospitalized with COVID-19, thanks to his
freedom-loving teammates. They lost their best defensive player for the
season, for a second straight season. They blew a game against the
eventual AFC champion Bengals when their (unvaccinated) running back
fumbled in overtime. They blew a game to Arizona the following week when
their kicker—stop me if you’ve heard this one before—missed a potential
game-winning field goal at the gun. They lost a Sunday Night game, also
at the gun, to the immortal Cooper Rush. They blew a two-touchdown lead
in the second half to Baltimore. They gifted Detroit its first win of
the season when their secondary gave Amon-Ra St. Brown a six-yard
cushion in their own end zone. Again, at the gun. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
GUYS DOING OUT THERE? SWAPPING RECIPES?
I felt nothing watching that just now. The Vikings had to salvage an OT win against Carolina after letting Sam Darnold drive his team 96 yards down the field in the final two minutes of regulation. Their coach tried to call two timeouts in a row
because he forgot he had called the first one. They replaced their old
offensive coordinator with his son, who ran the ball on every
second-and-long like his old man would thrash him with a belt if he
didn’t. That same running back who blew the Cincinnati game was accused of beating his ex-girlfriend
with a broomstick, and the Vikings are still pretending that it never
happened. He also had a yards-after-the-catch average of, oh, let’s say
-8.2. They never scored after a turnover. Their interior pass blocking
was, as it is every year, ghastly. They had a top-10 offense but also
were top five in three-and-outs. Their second-best pass rusher suffered
his second season-ending mental health breakdown while playing for them.
Somehow
I’ve gotten this far without mentioning the (still unvaccinated)
quarterback, so let’s drag that horse out of its grave for a bit:
That
same QB finally came down with COVID-19 on the eve of a Sunday Night
game in Lambeau that the Vikings needed to keep their playoff hopes
alive. They went on to lose that game by four touchdowns. I swear to you
that Cris Collinsworth uttered the words, “Let Sean Mannion cook!”
during it. My dreams have never been the same since that evening.
Gratefully,
all of that horseshit served as motivation for Vikings ownership to
finally clean house at the end of the season. Gone are head coach Mike Zimmer (whose players do not miss him) and general manager Rick Spielman, both of whom have spent their ensuing free time working feverishly to ensure that no other NFL team will ever hire them. Fucking finally, my team was getting a fresh start.
But there was a catch. With this team, there’s always a catch.
Your coach: Jim Harb… NOPE.
[Image: kirk-1.png]If
you don’t think the name “Kirk Cousins” was invoked at 3:00 p.m. that
day, you must live in Holland or something. After firing Zimmer and
Spielman, team owners Zygi and Mark Wilf got outbid by the McCaskeys
(how) for Chiefs personnel executive Ryan Poles, and then hired
Cleveland numbers guy Kwesi Adofo-Mensah instead. Adofo-Mensah comes
from a finance background; I know this because he casually namedrops
Goldman Sachs in every presser like he’s got a fucking endorsement deal
with them. Adofo-Mensah wanted Harbaugh as his head coach, and the deal
was reported as all but done. But when that fateful 3:00 p.m. hour
struck, the air cooled down to zero degrees Kelvin, the Vikings decided,
Actually, we never wanted this man, Harbaugh skulked back to Michigan to adopt all of that state’s unaborted children, and I got this guy dropped into my lap at the end of the night, like a surprise visit from the fucking IRS:
That’s
former Rams offensive coordinator Kevin O’Connell. In hindsight, it’s
for the best that the Vikings passed on hiring Harbaugh and plucked a
leaf off of the Sean McVay coaching tree. But listening to Kevin
O’Connell speak is like listening to a Radio Row interview at the Super
Bowl that lasts all year. I already miss Zimmer getting up on the podium
and telling reporters, Kellen Mond is dogshit and I don’t even know why we drafted him.
The new offensive coordinator is not only also the son of a former
coach, but the grandson of one as well. Two wrongs equal one right!
Regardless,
once the Vikings got themselves a new young GM and a new young head
coach, fans like me became all horny at the prospect of Adofo-Mensah and
O’Connell overhauling this aging roster and putting their own stamp on
it. Maybe they’d trade for Russell Wilson! Maybe they’d draft a new QB!
Maybe they’d do literally anything but what they ended up doing, which
was …

Reply

#2
Your quarterback: Nothing.
I wish I were made of porcelain so that you could shatter me into a million pieces. I will never be rid of Kirk Cousins.
To root for Kirk Cousins is to contract Kirk Derangement Syndrome, in
which you’re forced to defend him despite knowing that you cannot. It’s a
horrible way to live and I resent it. Even Vikings management doesn’t
like Kirk Cousins. Who would? And yet, under orders from ownership to
not tank the season, they gave Kirk not just a contract extension, but
also a no-trade clause that slammed the door shut on my enthusiasm for
this team until 2024 at the earliest. Perhaps by that time, Kirk will
have died from contracting COVID-19 for the 97th time. FINGERS CROSSED!
I’m
shocked this man plays football with a helmet on. Kirk Cousins has
gamed the NFL better than any QB alive. He’s made hundreds of millions
of dollars by mastering the art of putting up numbers that only data
freaks respect while leaving his team with nothing to show for it. Here,
from Arif Hasan, is all you need to know about how Kirk plies his trade:
Quote:Cousins
threaded an impossible needle to land the ball in wide receiver Adam
Thielen’s hands and get into field goal range. With Rasul
Douglas watching and waiting to make a pick, that certainly seemed to be
more of an “intuitive” throw. And, to Cousins, that was a problem. He
should have, he said after the game, thrown it to Tyler Conklin instead
for a small gain.
“I mean, I could point to a half-dozen throws
there that were too aggressive, and I could argue that that’s one of
them. I don’t think you want to live doing that.”
This grinning Jesus pervert regrets throwing a touchdown pass. No wonder Adofo-Mensah trashed Kirk to USA Today before this season has even started:
Quote:“I’ll be frank. The one asset where you get nervous about not burning it down is quarterback.”
You
should be, egghead. Not only is Cousins my QB, he also apparently owns
this team now. The Vikings even brought back his BACKUPS, for fuck’s
sake. My team bought a murder house and then insisted on keeping the
bodies inside.
What’s new that sucks: Kirk aside,
the Vikings had every chance to freshen up a roster that had zero depth
and was polluted with expensive, aging veterans. Unfortunately for
Adofo-Mensah, no other team wanted any of this biohazard material. So
instead, he reworked the contracts of both wideout Adam Thielen
(unvaccinated) and safety Harrison Smith (unvaccinated) to make those
contracts MORE onerous than they once were. He also had the No. 12 pick
in the draft and traded it, at the last second, to Detroit for the right
to move 20 spots down and take a safety who still hasn’t cracked the
starting lineup. It’s as if Spielman was never fired.
O’Connell
brought in defensive coordinator Ed Donatell, who was hospitalized with
COVID-19 a season ago. Almost like they want Kirk, Thielen, and Smith to
finish the job on that poor bastard. They did nothing to fix the center
spot, with Garrett Bradbury keeping his job despite being the worst
pass-blocking center on the face of the fucking Earth. When you have an
immobile quarterback, it’s generally unwise to give defenses the
shortest avenue to reach him. And yet, the Vikings kept that little
house of straw as is. They used one of their second-rounders in April on
a guard who was charged with sexually assaulting two girls when he was 16 years old. Who might have been the driving force behind that decision?
Yep,
that’s new senior personnel executive Ryan Grigson, who’s here to
render moot any analytical advantage that Adofo-Mensah might have had to
offer. Perhaps Grigson can kill Kirk the same way he killed Andrew
Luck. Again, fingers crossed.
Elsewhere, the Vikings attempted to
paper over their deficiencies by signing a few bargain free agents at
guard, defensive tackle, and linebacker. They also imported edge rusher
Za’Darius Smith from Green Bay. Smith missed all of last season with an
injury, and yet I’m already confident nothing bad will happen to him
this time around.
Speaking of bad things happening, tight end Irv
Smith missed all of last season, rehabbed, went to his first padded
practice this summer, and needed thumb surgery immediately thereafter.
What has always sucked: The fucking statue.
Quote:In
front of Kirk Cousins’ home, in between a few shrubs, stands a curious
tower. No more than four feet tall, it’s filled to the top with stones.
Inspired décor? Sort of.
Cousins laughs. “Oh, it’s a little
morbid,” he admits, “but it’s a tool my Bible teacher taught me in high
school, and I’m carrying it with me… when you have an understanding that
life is coming to an end someday, and that we only have so many days?
There’s wisdom in that.”
Indeed. Who knew that people
eventually die? Not me. I will poison Kirk’s lemonade and then plant
child pornography on his cell phone. Fuck him with those rocks.
If any starter gets hurt on this team, they’re doomed. Too many Minnesotans are Packers fans. Matt Birk
is a raging cock. Thielen is on the downside of his career and would
rather pledge allegiance to Satan than get the jab. Kellen Mond (also
unvaccinated) was exciting the day we drafted him and not a day since.
Aaron Rodgers is still in Green Bay. The Vikings are one of two things
that will get the worst people in some of the worst suburbs in America
to come into Minneapolis. The other thing is working in Minneapolis as a
police officer. The literal brain damage I have is child’s play
compared to the metaphorical brain damage this shithead team has
inflicted upon me. I now must routinely hurt myself to see if I still
feel.

Reply

#3
Ratto says: Former center Matt Birk is
running for lieutenant governor of Minnesota on a Republican ticket.
Equating Planned Parenthood to the Ku Klux Klan is among his more benign
offerings. The good thing is that the Vikings never won a Super Bowl
during his tenure on their offensive line, so he doesn’t have a power
ring to mesmerize voters. Such is the power of the Vikings to create
statewide ennui in a football-mad area.
What might not suck: Roster aside, I can’t argue with anything O’Connell has done thus far. I think Kwesi will
be a good GM if the Wilfs ever let him be one. Andrew Booth was a
bargain in the draft. Justin Jefferson is a god. Ingram is scum but also
looks like an absolute stud out on the field. You see how I’m setting
myself here, yeah?

Reply

#4
Go read the fan comments at the bottom of https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks...a-vikings/
There's some comedy gold in there!!!


Reply

#5
I have to admit...I'm not sure I can listen to KOC coach speak for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Might be more interesting/insightful during the real season after a game?


Reply

#6
Quote: @purplefaithful said:
I have to admit...I'm not sure I can listen to KOC for more than 10 minutes at a time at a presser

Might be more interesting post game/real season

I happen to agree.  Winning solves everything...but dude...its ok to shut up and get on with whatever you were planning on saying.  Maybe the new generation needs to be pampered some?
I actually think it'll be ok for Koc/Vikings to get punched in the mouth a few times during preseason so that he faces some adversity.
Reply

#7
I admit it made me laugh (and cry) a few times. B)
Reply

#8
Author went overboard with the covid stuff but most of his gripes are rooted in truth, if not totally factual.
Ingram seems like the early bright spot of the rookies so far but his past is very troubling. Dalvin is one of my fav players on the team but the stuff with his ex-gf was bad news and it does seem like it got totally brushed under the rug somehow. The trade down in the first was terrible value and Bynum seems to be holding off Cine anyways.
But all that said the team seems to be having fun and re-energized by the new staff. Fanbase too. GB and @ PHI are two very difficult first couple of games so I'm kind of bracing to be 0-2, but maybe that's okay. Like @AGRforever said maybe some adversity will help in the long run. If the team can stay healthy I do think they can gel and make a legitimate run at the end of the year.
Hoping for a fun season because I 100% agree with the author when he was saying how painful last season was haha. Just brutal! Things can only go up from that... right? Skol

Reply

#9
Quote: @pattersaur said:
Author went overboard with the covid stuff but most of his gripes are rooted in truth, if not totally factual.
Ingram seems like the early bright spot of the rookies so far but his past is very troubling. Dalvin is one of my fav players on the team but the stuff with his ex-gf was bad news and it does seem like it got totally brushed under the rug somehow. The trade down in the first was terrible value and Bynum seems to be holding off Cine anyways.
But all that said the team seems to be having fun and re-energized by the new staff. Fanbase too. GB and @ PHI are two very difficult first couple of games so I'm kind of bracing to be 0-2, but maybe that's okay. Like @AGRforever said maybe some adversity will help in the long run. If the team can stay healthy I do think they can gel and make a legitimate run at the end of the year.
Hoping for a fun season because I 100% agree with the author when he was saying how painful last season was haha. Just brutal! Things can only go up from that... right? Skol

I think I'd be happy with 1/1 after the first 2....

Yah, as of August I'm also having a hard time getting beyond Ingrams past....
Reply

#10
Totally over the top but that's what gets the clicks and likes. I get the points about last year. The complaints about KAM and KOC are nothing new. It's either he is too analytical or too inexperienced but guess what? It is what it is. I like that they went a different direction, I like it a lot. And whether or not people have an issue with KAM or KOC, time will tell on the results. This writer sounds extremely bitter and probably doesn't get out much. 
Reply



Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread:
1 Guest(s)

Powered By MyBB, © 2002-2024 Melroy van den Berg.