08-19-2022, 07:03 AM
Lions 2/2
What’s new that sucks: Jacksonville’s fuckup at the top of the draft was Detroit’s windfall as they snatched up edge rushing god Aidan Hutchinson with the No. 2 overall pick, then used their other first-rounder in the Stafford deal to hoodwink Minnesota into trading away their No. 12 pick. The Lions promptly used that pick on a wideout who probably won’t be able to play until November.
Because this is the offseason, you can say that the Lions have a plan. I’ve heard that so many times, from credible football people, that I’ve bought into it myself on occasion. Wow man, maybe this Lions team WON’T finish last! They’ve got a foundation now! They’ve got pieces! Ah, but the Lions have had pieces before. Many, in fact. It never mattered in the slightest. One of those pieces retired rather than ever play for them again. Another piece still wants the $1.6 million this team owes him. And another piece just won a Super Bowl for a team that has exactly three fans. Talent amounts to nothing in Detroit, and there’s less of it on this roster than many otherwise sensible people realize. Aidan Hutchinson’s sister won Miss Michigan and she’ll probably win more than he ever will here. The rest of the Lions’ defense is nothing but slobs.
Elsewhere, nose tackle John Penisini retired after just two years on the job, depriving me of easy dick jokes. DJ Chark, no stranger to performing well for horrible teams, signed here in the offseason. The Lions also signed Devin Funchess to play tight end and to eat whatever pizza crusts you’re about to throw away. And Mike Hughes arrives from Kansas City to bolster a secondary that will forever be in need of bolstering. Wow. What a haul. The road to 4-12-1 begins HERE.
What has always sucked: The same shit that always has. You will see Penei Sewell among league leaders in false start penalties again. You will draft TJ Hockenson in your fantasy league thinking you got a bargain, only to watch him miss the five to seven games with a pulled collarbone. The only Lions you’ll be able to name are the ones playing for other teams now. You’ll marvel at Amon-Ra St. Brown’s ability to go for 150 yards and two scores in a 20-point loss. You’ll remember that Campbell is this team’s only marketable employee. And you’ll be reminded that the Michigan accent remains the worst of all Midwestern accents. Michigan people overheard the Wisconsin accent and were like, “Hmm, not quite nasal enough.” I went to Michigan 28 years ago, and I STILL can’t get that aaaaaaaccent out of my head.
And Michigan people aren’t even nice. They’re dicks. They don’t bother with the veneer of niceness that makes so many other Midwesterners at least tolerable. Instead, you end up with a bunch of braying shitheels pretending they’re from the East Coast while sounding like they grew up in a fucking hay loft. No wonder Matthew Stafford left with a wink and a smile:
You know how many times I’ve been subjected to this fucking ad? I have all of its beats memorized, right down to Stafford smirking into the camera after telling the AT&T lady, “Oh, so getting a new phone is like ditching my old shithole of a hometown WHICH I STILL TOTALLY HAVE A THING FOR SERIOUSLY I MEAN IT?”
You listen to me, Michigan. Every night, Matthew Stafford and his wife sit out on their lanai in Manhattan Beach, watch the sun set over the Pacific, and LAUGH at you. They laugh until they throw up. All of you know it. You have lived in Michigan for decades now. You know that your life is just as awful as your football team is. You know that no one ever regrets fleeing your state. You watch, year after year, as your friends and acquaintances move onto greener pastures and discover the joys of living out in a more functional, beautiful world. And yet, look at you. Still in Michigan. Still rooting for this team. Still miserable. An entire life spent waiting to die. No group of fans deserves it such a wasted life more than you do. Get fucked.
And, as always, fuck Bob Seger.
But Drew, Bob Seger is a…
No he isn’t. Fuck Bob Seger.
Ratto says: Having surrendered any pretense of actually becoming good, the Lions have only the Thanksgiving Day game to defend, and despite the complaints of viewers who think they deserve marquee showdowns in every single one of the 272 three-hour entertainment slots the NFL shoves down your thorax, they are right to retain it. For one, they were one of the original Thanksgiving Day games in 1920 when the league was born, and the only one to Lion it up by losing 28-0 to the Dayton Triangles. The Heralds folded at year’s end, as did three more Detroit-based teams before the city stole the Portsmouth Spartans and renamed them. It’s a monument to irrelevo-failure that the Lions have maintained for the last 55 years, and a statement about our future as a culture that should be brought to bear at all holidays. “Sure you want Bucs-Chiefs or Bills-Chargers, but this is your life in a pandemic/recession. Shut up and watch.” And you will because you see logic in Deshaun Watson being suspended for one quarter for every massage therapist he assaulted. Send a greeting card to your soul in hell.
What might not suck: D’Andre Swift is one of those Lions backs where you see him make a good run and you’re like, “Goddamn, they gotta give that guy the ball!” And then they don’t.
What’s new that sucks: Jacksonville’s fuckup at the top of the draft was Detroit’s windfall as they snatched up edge rushing god Aidan Hutchinson with the No. 2 overall pick, then used their other first-rounder in the Stafford deal to hoodwink Minnesota into trading away their No. 12 pick. The Lions promptly used that pick on a wideout who probably won’t be able to play until November.
Because this is the offseason, you can say that the Lions have a plan. I’ve heard that so many times, from credible football people, that I’ve bought into it myself on occasion. Wow man, maybe this Lions team WON’T finish last! They’ve got a foundation now! They’ve got pieces! Ah, but the Lions have had pieces before. Many, in fact. It never mattered in the slightest. One of those pieces retired rather than ever play for them again. Another piece still wants the $1.6 million this team owes him. And another piece just won a Super Bowl for a team that has exactly three fans. Talent amounts to nothing in Detroit, and there’s less of it on this roster than many otherwise sensible people realize. Aidan Hutchinson’s sister won Miss Michigan and she’ll probably win more than he ever will here. The rest of the Lions’ defense is nothing but slobs.
Elsewhere, nose tackle John Penisini retired after just two years on the job, depriving me of easy dick jokes. DJ Chark, no stranger to performing well for horrible teams, signed here in the offseason. The Lions also signed Devin Funchess to play tight end and to eat whatever pizza crusts you’re about to throw away. And Mike Hughes arrives from Kansas City to bolster a secondary that will forever be in need of bolstering. Wow. What a haul. The road to 4-12-1 begins HERE.
What has always sucked: The same shit that always has. You will see Penei Sewell among league leaders in false start penalties again. You will draft TJ Hockenson in your fantasy league thinking you got a bargain, only to watch him miss the five to seven games with a pulled collarbone. The only Lions you’ll be able to name are the ones playing for other teams now. You’ll marvel at Amon-Ra St. Brown’s ability to go for 150 yards and two scores in a 20-point loss. You’ll remember that Campbell is this team’s only marketable employee. And you’ll be reminded that the Michigan accent remains the worst of all Midwestern accents. Michigan people overheard the Wisconsin accent and were like, “Hmm, not quite nasal enough.” I went to Michigan 28 years ago, and I STILL can’t get that aaaaaaaccent out of my head.
And Michigan people aren’t even nice. They’re dicks. They don’t bother with the veneer of niceness that makes so many other Midwesterners at least tolerable. Instead, you end up with a bunch of braying shitheels pretending they’re from the East Coast while sounding like they grew up in a fucking hay loft. No wonder Matthew Stafford left with a wink and a smile:
You know how many times I’ve been subjected to this fucking ad? I have all of its beats memorized, right down to Stafford smirking into the camera after telling the AT&T lady, “Oh, so getting a new phone is like ditching my old shithole of a hometown WHICH I STILL TOTALLY HAVE A THING FOR SERIOUSLY I MEAN IT?”
You listen to me, Michigan. Every night, Matthew Stafford and his wife sit out on their lanai in Manhattan Beach, watch the sun set over the Pacific, and LAUGH at you. They laugh until they throw up. All of you know it. You have lived in Michigan for decades now. You know that your life is just as awful as your football team is. You know that no one ever regrets fleeing your state. You watch, year after year, as your friends and acquaintances move onto greener pastures and discover the joys of living out in a more functional, beautiful world. And yet, look at you. Still in Michigan. Still rooting for this team. Still miserable. An entire life spent waiting to die. No group of fans deserves it such a wasted life more than you do. Get fucked.
And, as always, fuck Bob Seger.
But Drew, Bob Seger is a…
No he isn’t. Fuck Bob Seger.
Ratto says: Having surrendered any pretense of actually becoming good, the Lions have only the Thanksgiving Day game to defend, and despite the complaints of viewers who think they deserve marquee showdowns in every single one of the 272 three-hour entertainment slots the NFL shoves down your thorax, they are right to retain it. For one, they were one of the original Thanksgiving Day games in 1920 when the league was born, and the only one to Lion it up by losing 28-0 to the Dayton Triangles. The Heralds folded at year’s end, as did three more Detroit-based teams before the city stole the Portsmouth Spartans and renamed them. It’s a monument to irrelevo-failure that the Lions have maintained for the last 55 years, and a statement about our future as a culture that should be brought to bear at all holidays. “Sure you want Bucs-Chiefs or Bills-Chargers, but this is your life in a pandemic/recession. Shut up and watch.” And you will because you see logic in Deshaun Watson being suspended for one quarter for every massage therapist he assaulted. Send a greeting card to your soul in hell.
What might not suck: D’Andre Swift is one of those Lions backs where you see him make a good run and you’re like, “Goddamn, they gotta give that guy the ball!” And then they don’t.
