Friday Humour

[ThunderGod]

SEX AFTER DEATH

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
 
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
 
“Nancy, Nancy?”
 
"Is that you, Ray?”
 
“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
 
“That's wonderful! What's it like?”
 
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
 
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course.
 
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
 
"Oh, Ray! Are you in Heaven?"
 
“No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

[Guest]

Guy walks into a bar....not much action, except a couple of older full figured women chatting.
He walks up to the bar, orders a beer and notices their accent, before he interjects:
''S'cuse me, I hope you don't mind.... I overheard you ladies and was curious about your accent.......British?"
"Wales" One responded.
"Oh I'm sorry....  I overheard you WHALES and was curious about your accent."

[Guest]

(I heard this joke years ago and it's about Whitey Herzog, former Royals/Cardinals manager.  I'm sure it's much older than that but pretty funny still.)
Whitey had just taken a job with the Cardinals after coaching the Royals for several years.  One day, he and his wife were driving from KC to St. Louis on I-70 and a few hours out of KC he's pulled over by the MO highway patrol for speeding.  The trooper begins talking to Whitey and informs him he was clocked doing 80.  Whitey is outraged and begins with the usual "Don't you know who I am?" routine. 
"I've be manager of the Royals for 4 years and just took the manager job in St. Louis.  My wife and I are moving there soon to start my new job with the Cardinals.  I've been driving this highway for years and never have been stopped.  I never speed!  I've been driving longer than you've been alive!  I can't believe you're doing this to me!  After all I've done for baseball in this state!  I'm going to need your badge number and your supervisors name, young man!"
This rant continues on for several more minutes and the trooper looks wearily at Whitey's wife standing there with her arms crossed and that "I've seen this all before" look on her face. 
"Mam, is he always like this?" asks the trooper with a sigh.
"Not really", she says. "Only when he's been drinking."