The Lochdown Week 7 – Only Keith Richards Lasts Forever

keith richards

 

Alas the streak is over. We have wailed, we have wept, we have poured ashes upon our heads and gnashed our teeth. *Spoiler Alert* yes, the Vikings are no longer undefeated.

 

Surprisingly, the sun did come up on Monday and the world kept spinning merrily along… at least I think it did because I’m writing this. Although it could have stopped and my afterlife consists of writing witty sports articles on the internet.  Huh, apparently I’m an eternal underachiever.

 

Oh… and other stuff happened in the NFL as well!

 

Who Fed It, Who Ate It

 

We start our journey through week 7 with a combination shock and choke. The Jets flew higher than the Ravens 24-16, although let’s be honest, Ravens are carrion feeders so generally stick close to the ground. Kind of like packer fans except they don’t hunt with Ford trucks. Yeah that was uncalled for. No, on second thought it was totally called for.

 

The Chargers shocked the Falcons as well (boy that just sorta wrote itself) coming out with a 33-30 win. The only person who didn’t score on either team was the backup equipment manager for the Falcons as he was undergoing a routine colonoscopy. Hey you got medical professionals on-site, why not take advantage of a free checkup?

 

Finally, Sunday night brought us 5, count them FIVE quarters of complete vacancy as we watched the potent Seahawk and Cardinal offenses make the thousands in attendance feel cheated out of 75% of their ticket price. Missed field goals, missed opportunities and a game with about as much enthusiasm as sharing a shower with Rosie O’Donnell made for a remarkably effective exercise in patients. Zen masters work with pupils for years to achieve the level of patience it took for anyone to last through that game. To achieve enlightenment, focus not on meditation or koan, rather watch Seahawks/Cardinals and you shall…

 

The Agony of Defeat

 

I was really hoping to not have to type that this season. The odds of not having to type it are, realistically, about the same as waking up next to Natalie Portman… …. ……… but I digress.

 

The Vikings came out firing on 1 cylinder. The defense established itself immediately as a dominant force. It was countered by, well, all the other parts of the Vikings.

 

Oh, before I forget, I did promise a shout out in this article. Congratulations to Mrs. Peterson’s Chisago Lakes 3rd Grade Choir. It was an amazing experience to see you win the K-6 choir competition then be rewarded by getting to dress and play as the Vikings offensive line in Philadelphia. You’ll heal soon, kids are flexible like that.

 

In any case, when coach Zimmer called the offensive line “soft” he was being kind. The tackles were not just revolving doors, but revolving doors that were manned by unwatched children who consider them a ride and spin them fast enough to spit and elderly person trying to use them out into a pile of bruises and medicare co-pays. 19 QB hits with 6 sacks is an embarrassing performance. This line will have to come together and redeem itself, or they should get Bradpool’s future medical bills and dinners to split.

 

Special teams had the rare bad game as well. No Prieferential Treatment ™ was administered. In fact, the Eagles scored on one return, while the normally amazing Sherels fumbled a punt return. I don’t think this is a sign of things to come so much as a fluke.

 

The defense continued its dominant ways, holding Philadelphia to 239 combined yards, only 138 of which were passing. Wentz, while not destroyed as is our heathen warrior-wont, was still frustrated at times, chucking up 2 more interceptions. Our defense is still our strength, and the bobbleheads are starting to recognize just how good our coverage is. We will keep winning on this strength.

 

All-in-all, looking at the stats from the game, the Vikings equaled or lead in almost every statistical category save for sacks and QB hits. Even rushing we racked up 93 vs. 101 yards, hardly a huge margin. This game, on paper, was much closer than the score and overall “feel” while watching would indicate. Basically it was the game equivalent of waking up and seeing what you brought home from the bar, except sober, and without makeup.

 

The Lochdowns For Week 8

 

Well now, I missed the boat on the Steelers-Dolphins but I still went 2-1, bringing my record to a respectable  11-4 (and remember the Browns upset didn’t count because of bye week). This entitles me to a nice steak and potato dinner courtesy of those of you who’ve been betting with my picks this year. Actually I’m kind of shocked I’m picking this well at all. It’s like I got hit by lightning in my sleep except instead of something cool like playing piano I can make decent picks.

 

Lochdown 1 – The Falcons will not upset the packers. By this I mean I don’t care what the Vegas odds are, the Falcons are simply a better team. Both teams had aberrations last week, the “pack is not back” and the Falcons will hand them their 3rd loss of the year. Suddenly A-A-Ron will be looking over his shoulder at the advancing Lions.

 

Lochdown 2 – The Cardinals will get tired of not scoring, and roll over the Panthers like a semi over a confused deer on Interstate 80. The Panthers are in a state of disarray akin to a trailer park after a tornado (or particularly vigorous party). They will simply not withstand the Cards.

 

Lochdown 3 – My upset special this week… get ready for it… the Browns will go 1-15! Geno Smith lasted about as long as a case of beer at a monster truck rally, so the Jets must revert to beard/turnover specialist Ryan Fitzpatrick. As hard as it is to go undefeated, it’s even harder to go winless in the NFL, and the Browns will keep the Lions in that sad and lonely basement. The kind of basement that college kid rents. The one who only eats microwave pizza rolls and plays wow… and talks about his night elf when you’re trying to get the rent check.  Suffice to say, the Browns will end their winless streak this week.

 

As for the Vikings… I fear for the Bears. I actually, viscerally fear for their safety. This team has a lot of pride, and even going into the lumpy dirtpatch of Soldier Field, they will be breathing fire. Expect Cutler to be getting a severe lesson in astronomy while laying on his back and considering whether his Apple-product-level-overpriced contract is even worth playing out.

 

Offensively, I expect our Offensive line to be back from vacation and angry that they have been called out (much the less called soft). Expect them to play like a pack of “Manu Manu the Slenders” in the last scene of “Necessary Roughness” except for 4 quarters. Will Bradpool take a hit or 3? Odds are yes, because things happen. I daresay, however, Zimmer expects them to come out with a bad, bad attitude and keep him upright most of this game.

 

As for special teams… the Bears will, undoubtedly, get Prieferential Treatment this week.

 

The Vikes dominate this game, winning 31-3.

 

That’s all folks! Stay bad, bad, my Leroy Browns!

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